Before the first treatment...it's a process

I’ve never done a blog before (nor navigated breast cancer for that matter) but my beautiful and talented daughter Heather set up the template and gave me a few short lessons so here we go!  Actually Heather’s 10 year anniversary from her own cancer, Hodgkins Lymphoma is this year so she’s not only a mentor that did her own blog, she’s walked this path before too.  I also have to mention Ruby, my granddaughter for her help in naming this blog….love it! Yeah, oops is right!

So as a starter, here’s a recap of the events leading up to starting Chemo tomorrow:

January 28, 2015:  Suspicious looking mammagram, followed immediately by an ultrasound, then a biopsy.  Viewing the ultrasound screen, I saw an odd shape like a duck in water and knew intuitively that was no ducky, it was cancer.  This was probably the worst day of all so far.  I felt I was falling deeper and deeper down a rabbit hole into a bazaar new life.

January 29, 2015: Driving with Heather, phone call confirmed: Yep, it’s cancer. With what they knew, IDC (invasive ductal carcinoma) stage one, grade three (most aggressive), 5% estrogen receptive. 

February 4, 2015: Surgery Lumpectomy with removal of the sentinel lymph node. The tumor was larger than first thought and it had infected half the node. Now it’s staged at 2B, grade 3, 10% estrogen receptive. 

February 9-27:  A series of tests including a whole bone scan and contrast CT scan, luckily nothing definitive detected.  There were also 2^nd and 3^rd oncology opinions, and lots of consulting with my best friend Marietta, a functional nutritionist. So many ups and downs emotionally, with spontaneous unexpected bouts of crying in between activities.  Honestly, I'd be singing one moment and crying the next, never knowing quite when that would happen.

Meanwhile, starting February 14 my kitchen remodel officially began after months of planning.  With the kitchen wall coming down and the interior completely demolished, it felt very much like a metaphor of how my life was taking shape.

How does one get through this?  My loving family and you guys, my friends are my angels.  I already am experiencing the gift of angels around me wanting to help, offering encouragement and lifting me up.  My daughter Holly, my beautiful angel, has taken on a motherly role, going to all the appointments with me and helping with food in my temporary camp kitchen.  She has been the calm presence, clear and wise and so loving.  Heather continues to be my designer for the new kitchen, keeping me laughing all the way.  She's ready to move onto a new living room for me now. :) She was there for the first appointment with the oncologist taking copious notes while Holly held my hand.  While all this was going on, my son Bryan was in Honduras on a long venture, rethinking his own life and basking in island life.  This gave all of us great joy in imagining him being buffered from this difficult task of coming to terms with the journey about to take place.  He arrived home February 24 and the next day joined us on this new path.  Talk about culture shock!! He climbed right on board though with a "can do" attitude that "we're going to get through this".  We are all happy he is back home, and can help hold the healing about to begin…for all of us.

Last week, with the encouragement of my dear friend Scott, the four of us went on a Day long vision hike.  Scott leads vision fasts through the School of Lost Borders and set up instructions for us.  We started out at dawn, hiked up into Annadel State Park where several paths diverge.  There we stated our intentions for the day and set off on our own, to meet back at 2PM and head down to Scott’s house in Petaluma to “story-tell” our day.  The day for me was coming to full acceptance of letting go “life as I knew it” to fully embracing this strange land of the unknown. 

Sun shining on braids

Clearly, the most symbolic thing representing my “old life” was my hair that I was told will disappear about 3 weeks from now.  There, on the trails through Annadel I struggled with letting go of my hair, the chosen symbol of my life. The build up of grieve was palpable. Waves of anger, then denial, then profound sadness and tears, but then gradually acceptance began peaking through.  I waited for the right time, and with great kindness, lovingly cut off those braids





What I felt was RELIEF!! I felt free and actually happy.  There had been such suffering, clinging to the old, not accepting what was obviously before me.  Now I could begin, I had a part in creating this path making the choice to let go of my hair myself.  









Now it was time to turn to what was ahead and embrace this new path.  I had brought with me an old death mask I had formed to my face over 10 years ago that I never decorated. 

I painted and pasted hearts and pretty things, including lipstick to remind myself that hair isn’t the only beauty available (hey, not that my particular hair was all that great!)  But I felt a deep happiness, much like the happiness I have felt in deep meditation during retreats and that has nothing to do with external events.  An inside job.

The four of us met back at 2PM we had a bite to eat, all exhausted from the day, then headed down to Scott’s.  The gift of Scott being able to mirror back each of our stories and how they interweaved to form a healing circle and partners in this journey was beyond words.  In those two hours with him, listening deeply to each other, we bonded in a way that was, for me,  quite profound.  We gained strength from each other and I can honestly say we are all ready.

So, that’s the short of it.  Tomorrow is the first of four (hopefully only four) chemo treatments.  I have embraced Chemo as my friend and it is what will ultimately give me life.  It is strong medicine but it does work and is the path to wellness.  I am hoping to meet each moment with kindness and with patience, knowing the medicine is doing its job even if it doesn’t feel like it. 

It is very clear to me that my angels (that’s you) are the most important part of this healing journey, whether its words of encouragement, a laugh, going for a walk with me, a hug, food, flowers or whatever. Earlier on I was sent this song; I feel like it’s my theme song for this journey.  If you want to listen to this beautiful piece click here.

Your messages and voice and person mean a lot to me.  My wings are strong right now but I'm not sure they always will be.  I may need to borrow a pair of yours sometime! :)

Please....leave comments here or email me.  Love to you all!