Chemo Treatment #1: check

Day 12 since first Chemo infusion and feeling quite well!  This is such a strange ride, never knowing when my energy will rise and when it will fail me.  I can wake up in the morning feeling like it’s going to be a good day and then bam! A few hours later I’m thoroughly and utterly fatigued.  Then I’ll rally again and this can happen a few times during the day…or not at all.

That first week there was a lot of fear and anxiety as my body and my mind were trying to adjust to “bazaar-land”!  You know I’ve never had anything serious go wrong with my body or my mind for that matter.  I’ve always dreaded getting the flu because I’m such a baby about body discomfort and just don’t do “sick” very well.  When I was in Mexico last year and got food poisoning I thought it was the end of the world and was definitely not a “brave little soldier” about it.  My friend Susan can attest to this as she would come back from shopping for a remedy to find me balled up in tears.

So, trying to ‘be’ with each oddity and discomfort without freaking out was, I knew, going to be a challenge.  But the worst was not knowing what was coming.  Would I be nauseous, in pain, wiped out?  I decided that I’d work on just accepting each thing as something that would pass and be kind to myself in the process.  Yeah, let’s see how that will go!

Challenge #1:  The mere fact of arriving at the Chemo Lab.  Holly and I had done an orientation the week before and found the Chemo Lab at that time to be a combo of “heaven and hell”:  super nice nurses and super sick looking patients. Even though the patients smiled at us, it was scary scary scary!  But the day we arrived for my first Chemo treatment it was very different.  The man sitting next to me in his chemo chair was doing business deals and didn’t look so sick at all.  The nurses were kind and supportive and informative and the three hours passed pretty quickly.   We even ate our lunch while getting chemo.  Anxiety calmed, not so bad!

Challenge #2: The Neupogen shots.  Ok, baby that I am, even with training there is no way I can give myself these shots that have to be done for five days post Chemo. Holly, bless her heart, said she would give the shots and on day one she easily did just that.  Ah, but day two she had to go to work and at the last minute I had to do it myself.  Well, that didn’t work out so well as all training went out the window, I broke the shot, and was reduced to tears and feeling totally helpless.  Of course I didn’t know I closed the protective covering over the shot deeming it unworkable so spent a good amount of time shakily trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Luckily Heather & Ruby were on their way over for a play date with Gramms and Heather saved the day by conferring with my friend Marietta back East and just giving me another one out of the fridge.  Easy-Peasy in actuality, but in my mini-panicked state it was an utter disaster.  Reality checks are so good and necessary!  We were able to go on and have a wonderful Art session, Ruby & I, painting together outside.

Challenge #3:  The funky-ass taste in my mouth and then getting the beginnings of Thrush.  Water tastes like crap, stomach and body feel like the last stages of flu, and at times I feel weak as a kitten.  The Thrush was the worst though but thanks to Marietta again, the probiotic mouth washing did the trick and a couple of days later it was gone. 

All that was in the first week post Chemo.  Going into the second week, each day I have been getting stronger and with that, my confidence grows too.  So all in all, it hasn’t been so bad.  The fear and anxiety has settled down and there are so many blessings, not the least is the encouraging and caring emails from all of you.

Blessing #1:  I have been staying at Holly’s little studio apartment while the kitchen remodel is still going on at home.  It is such a healing sweet environment, right across the street from Spring Lake and Annadel State Park.  Every morning, I can walk across the street and go around the lake.  It takes just under an hour and the beauty of Spring is overflowing.  Walking every day, I see the rapid progress of blooms bursting open and this is the first year I’ve seen a family of beautiful swans in the lake.  Really, it is breathtaking and such good good medicine.  There was only one day that I had to make about three stops to rest to get around but every other day I feel myself get stronger walking. 

Blessing #2:  All the emails wishing me well have given me such support, knowing I am being prayed for, thought about and that I matter; it is so uplifting. I haven’t had the energy to have full on conversations with anyone other than immediate family so the emails are the way for me to stay connected.  They have been so uplifting and I look for them in my inbox each day.  I feel my angels at work on my behalf.  Thank you thank you!

Blessing #3:  The grants and non-profits that support Cancer patients here in Sonoma County: unbelievable!  I am receiving organic and sustainable meals each week from Ceres Community Project (Cere's) that are both nutritious and delicious.  Teens from the local high school prepare the meals and volunteers deliver them each week in containers to be easily reheated.  OMG so good! 

Blessing #4: Then there’s Sutter Health (Sutter) that through a grant offers six sessions of different healing modalities to complement treatment.  I’ve signed up for Acupuncture and Massage along with a couple of sessions of therapy.  Every Saturday they offer Yoga and/or QiGong for Cancer patients too followed by an informal gathering with food brought in by Whole Foods.

Blessing #5:  Parkpoint Health Club (Parkpoint) which I have belonged to for awhile now.  For Cancer patients they offer free membership for a year while going through treatment.  Besides the free membership they also have special classes just for cancer patients including weight training, qigong, and yoga.

Blessing #6:  Our friend Frank has been meeting Holly, friend Hisayo and me at Spring Lake twice a week to lead an hour of QiGong practice.  Such a gift and again, good medicine for the body, the soul, the mind.  I feel so refreshed after!

I guess to sum it up for this first go-around is there are definite challenges but many more blessings.  When my energy is good, and even when it’s not, I am aware of the sweetness in people and the beauty of nature.  Heather, Bryan and Holly continue to look after their mom in their own nurturing ways and my sister Joan has been checking in with me daily.  And also, what better time to be going through this than Spring, showing the promise of new life.  May we all know the blessings of what is truly important in life!

love to all my angels,

Jocelyn