Roller Coaster rides are usually fun right?

Maybe a little scary but that’s part of the adrenalin rush.  The roller coaster of Cancer though is a deadlier game and when the descent happens, one doesn’t know whether there will be an ascent or a crash into the underworld for good. 

Post Chemo, I had barely a minute to celebrate before further discoveries slammed me deeper than ever into hell realms that psychologically and emotionally pulled me from the world of the living to the world of the dying and despair.  But hold on, it turns out better than that so keep on reading!

The first blow was getting the genetic testing results and finding I do have a hereditary mutation called PALB2, a partner gene to the BRCA2 mutation.  Although it explains why I got breast cancer, which cleared up some of the mystery, there is the brutal statistic that I am now at a fairly high risk for recurrence.  The Oncologist and Surgeon both recommended more drastic measures to decrease the risk, including a bilateral complete mastectomy along with removal of my ovaries and fallopian tubes, called an Oophorectomy.  This is no minor surgery, about 7-8 hours in the OR.   What the f****!!!!

But wait, that’s not all!  While I was trying to work with the intense grief around losing my breasts and the scariness of surgery and recovery, I got even more bad news.

A CT Scan was done last week to make sure my lungs were clear, as they had picked up two undefined spots prior to beginning chemo.  They wanted to see if they changed at all.  What they found was a new spot that they hadn’t seen before and that was “of concern”.  So now they are suspecting lung cancer or breast cancer cells that escaped into the lung that the chemo didn’t get.  This is the part where I lost it completely!  A herpes outbreak happened that day, zapping my energy even more.  Anger and despair, depression and tears overtook everything.  Losing my breasts took the back seat and my attention turned to wrap myself around this bad news.  Memories of my mother dying from several unidentified cancers in her body and lung cancer (a nonsmoker) arose and I felt I was on the same track.  She died 6 weeks after discovery, she was my age and in the middle of her life.  A PET scan was ordered and I had a very bad feeling of what the results were going to be.  Talk about being pummeled down beyond what is bearable!  I looked at ‘life’ around me, people buzzing here and there and felt myself pulling away and separating.  The impermanence of this life penetrated even deeper, and not in a good way.

But here comes the roller coaster, roaring up from the depths of the underworld with the news the PET scan did not “light up” any cancer activity.  This was very good news, one that took awhile to sink in.   My Oncologist called and was also very relieved and happy.  Looks like I’m back to having just the run-of-the-mill Breast Cancer after all.  I’m still ‘rattled’, body is still weak, and I haven’t quite joined the living yet but I also know that I will take my place there again and carry on. 

My team at Kaiser is most excellent and I have met with the plastic surgeon who will be reconstructing my breast in the most natural way possible.  He is newly hired at Kaiser Santa Rosa from Harvard Medical School where he held a faculty position, working with and training the best surgeons in the field.  His expertise is in breast reconstruction.  I totally trust him.  I do have to say though I have never had anyone look at my breasts quite like he did.  I could barely contain a deep giggle that only my sister could understand!  Giggle aside, I am more accepting of losing these body parts so that I have a better chance of living a longer and healthy life.  The sacrifice is well worth the price of life.  Surgery should happen in the next 2-3 weeks once my white blood cells reach a good level.  Somewhere between June 8 & June 15 is my guess. 

Meanwhile, I am trying to build my weak body up with lots of veggies, wheat grass, and supplements.  It’s slow going but I see progress.

Today, I took a Cancer makeup class to cheer myself up.  I’ve been wearing what seems like my ‘cancer uniform’, and definitely haven’t bothered with makeup or looking good.  My real hair should start actually growing back in another month or so.  I’m pretty sick of the cancery look of the bald head and scarves!  So, what do you think? Still need some earrings.

That’s my update for now.  Thanks for stopping by and reading.  Positive, encouraging comments/emails are much appreciated!  More later, probably before surgery.