Chemo #3: Done!!

My sister Joan came up from the East Bay to go with me and aside from some high blood pressure scores and a delay because of it, things moved along pretty seamlessly.

Leaving the chemo lab around 4PM Joan and I walked around Spring Lake so she got to see my playground for walking.  She did good and so did I!

Then day 3 & 4 hit and it felt like the darkness was never going to lift.  It was pretty brutal but in this bazaar land it can be like that and then poof it morphs to something else.  Holly was my angel carrying my wings during that time, sitting with me and reading me poetry.  One of my long time favorites, Kindness by Naomi Sahib Nye  among them.  Both of us crying,  not only from the sorrow but from the sweet depth of the piece. 

Later, when I felt better we came up with a little rhythm for the days following chemo that I think is kinda fun, the ups & downs on this wild ride:

Day One (chemo day) Here comes the fun!

Day Two – at least I poo’d!

Day Three – we’ll see….

Day Four – Hit the floor!!

Day five – barely coming alive

Day Six – all fixed

Day Seven – not feelin’ like heaven

Here’s something I’ve learned that I was reflecting on last night.  Maybe it’s part of my makeup; maybe it’s part of this journey.  That is, there is this duality within the mind (at least mine) and when the dark forces of chemo overtake me there arises also a distain for just about everything including humanity in general.  My tolerance level is zero, my sensitivity is high, and I generally see only the negative in what I encounter, in what I see before me, and in the thoughts in my mind.  It’s quite unsettling and sometimes I handle it with grace, noticing it and not externally acting on it but other times…well, not so much.  I could chalk it up to feeling lousy and weak, or being grouchy but I really think it’s more than that.  It feels like a dark force and I am somehow in the underworld.  Then at some point, the grouchiness starts to fade away and out comes the sweet opposite!  What I see before me is beautiful, beyond words beautiful, I see the miracle of being human, frailties and all, and I see the good in people.  It’s quite interesting and my conclusion is you just can’t trust the mind, especially in the dark places. Also untrustworthy is that any mindset is fixed, that we are all creating and dissolving our realities as we go.  I’ve known this for quite some time but I’ve had such a strong direct experience, the truth of that has penetrated even deeper. 

And speaking of the mind, what’s up with the memory thing?  I’ve heard about chemo brain but really!  I can’t be trusted to remember much of anything, even moment to moment.  I was really scared of this before because my memory hasn’t been so great anyway right?  But I take it in stride now and at least I have something to blame it on!  Sorry!...Chemo brain!  I’m noticing how very patient my kids are with me; this is something new and they actually let me repeat myself or they repeat themselves knowing I didn’t remember from the last time they told me the same thing. Ha Ha I love this and do hope they continue even if I won’t always have this excuse. No more "mom, I've told you that how many times before!"

Yesterday, still feeling funky (and with that negative mindset I talked about earlier) I rallied to go to Ruby’s Arabian Nights performance at her school.  It lifted my heart and made me smile down to my toes.  So delightful and her energy, beauty and excitement was so contagious.  The best medicine ever!! Talk about a turn-around!! Hope the short 30 second video works.

Kitchen update: As of today, we are still without a working kitchen but the end is in sight.  Maybe even by tomorrow!  The floor is finally in and now there’s a few finishing things before the appliances get moved back in.  Seems the kitchen is much on the same schedule as my chemo regime.

I continue to feel very blessed by my friends who check in, wishing me well, ready to help.  Also to Holly, who I now refer to as my new mom.  And to Heather for all she’s done on the kitchen and to Bryan for rolling up his sleeves and taking on the whole backyard and anything else that needs done. And to my precious Ruby for bringing the light into the darkness.

So that’s the update for now.  Not much to write about which is a good thing.  And the best of all…..ONE MORE TREATMENT TO GO (May 3) and then NO MORE CHEMO!!!